This past week has been a doozie of a week. And that is putting it mildly. Some people know the story, but most only know half of the story. In a one sentence synopsis, this is what happened. 2/5 of my children almost died. Two out of five. In the same week.
My family history is one that is riddled with layers of depression, and unfortunately, these two of my children inherited the unfortunate gene. Apparently, this gene does not skip a generation.
These events had me spending a lot of time thinking about what kind of mother I really was. What kind of mother has two children who were so overtaken with depression, that they both tried to take their own lives, in the same week?
Now, usually, I would be very quick to point out all my wrong doings, all my flaws and mistakes. Usually I would tell myself what a piece of shit mother I am. Usually I would turn into a "I am such a sucky person" kind of person.
But this time, I actually thought about it.
And I determined to myself that I was actually a good mom.
A mom who loves her children.
I am not the kind of mom that bakes cookies and does crafts. I am not the kind of mom that takes my kids to parades, or any function that involves a lot of people. I am not the kind of mother who spares no expense for whatever they want. I am not the kind of mother who has one on one time for each child every week. I am not the kind of mother who enjoys having her kids in sports. I am not the kind of mom who cooks dinner for her kids. I am not the kind of mom who plans elaborate birthday parties. I am not the kind of mother who likes to socialize with other moms. I am not the kind of mom that is pretty and skinny and "like the other moms". I am not the kind of mom who enjoys having kids over. I am not the kind of mom who lets her kids have sleepovers. I am not the kind of mom who feels smart enough to help with even the simplest of homework.
I have been the mom who has felt less than good because of the kind of mother I am not.
But guess what?
I am the kind of mom who makes sure she tells her kids multiple times a day that they are loved. I am the kind of mom who likes to laugh with her kids. I am the kind of mom who takes her kids to and from where they can spend time with their friends. I am the kind of mom that puts God into most conversations. I am the kind of mom that makes sure her kids are safe, and out of harms way. I am the kind of mom that has "been there". to all of it. I am the kind of mom who understands what depression feels like. I am the kind of mom who knows that cutting is just a coping mechanism. I am the kind of mom that knows what it feels like to feel so out of control due to anxiety. I am the kind of mom that realizes that using medications to stabilize your mood does not mean you are weak. I am the kind of mom who talks openly to her children from a very early age about monsters who look like normal people, and that their bodies belong to them. I am the kind of mom that talks about sex and periods and birth control long before any of it is necessary. I am the kind of mom that has no boundaries of what can be talked about, or questioned.
I am that kind of mom. And someday, I hope my children appreciate me for who I am.
