Sunday, February 3, 2013

Worn. . .

I'm struggling.  Maybe it is a shock to those who know me, maybe it is not.  I struggle with things that make no sense.  Food.  Weight.  Depression.  Isolation.  Social Anxiety.  All of the above.  It is a challenge for me everyday to not freak out over my find happiness in leave my feel anything other than wierd and freakish. 

I have been in therapy for a couple of years now.  I still struggle.  I have been in treatment twice.  I still struggle.  I have all kinds of support outside of treatment.  I still struggle.  Lately I am wondering if I will ever NOT struggle.  I have all the reasons to STOP this struggle.  My family.  My life.  But the pull to stay sick and isolated is much stronger, and currently very loud. 

I feel very guilty that I am not "better" yet.  I pray and pray and pray for God to help me find the solution, or to magically put the solution into my life.  But to no avail that I can see or feel.  I feel like He is tired of hearing from me, tired of having me ignore Him, tired of trying.  I can understand.  I am tired of myself!

I have a life that MOST people have no way of understanding.  They might understand depression.  They might understand wanting to isolate.  They may understand feeling uncomfortable about their weight.  But my life is a swirling tornado of all of the above, with a huge slice of guilt added to the recipe.  I have huge guilt for not being "better" yet.  I have guilt for doubting God.  I have embarassment for not being healed in the matter and time that is "adequate".  I have huge anxiety over my looks, which I find to be disgusting and monster like. 

I have huge envy for my friends who are still in treatment.  I am ashamed to say that I wish I were still there.  Still working on kicking this monsters ass.  Still able to have the support 24/7 that I need and desire.  

But for me, real life dictates otherwise.  It's OK.  If I win the lottery, I will enter treatment again, and finally heal the wounds that are decaying away my life.  My family's life.  My poor children's lives. 

So, as you may know, I am a huge "music speaks" kind of person.  Today, it is this song, by Tenth Avenue North.  Called Worn. 

ps:  Don't worry Mom and Dad.  I am fine.  I always am.  I always will be.  :)