Sunday, February 3, 2013

Worn. . .

I'm struggling.  Maybe it is a shock to those who know me, maybe it is not.  I struggle with things that make no sense.  Food.  Weight.  Depression.  Isolation.  Social Anxiety.  All of the above.  It is a challenge for me everyday to eat...to not freak out over my weight...to find happiness in something...to leave my house...to feel anything other than wierd and freakish. 

I have been in therapy for a couple of years now.  I still struggle.  I have been in treatment twice.  I still struggle.  I have all kinds of support outside of treatment.  I still struggle.  Lately I am wondering if I will ever NOT struggle.  I have all the reasons to STOP this struggle.  My family.  My life.  But the pull to stay sick and isolated is much stronger, and currently very loud. 

I feel very guilty that I am not "better" yet.  I pray and pray and pray for God to help me find the solution, or to magically put the solution into my life.  But to no avail that I can see or feel.  I feel like He is tired of hearing from me, tired of having me ignore Him, tired of trying.  I can understand.  I am tired of myself!

I have a life that MOST people have no way of understanding.  They might understand depression.  They might understand wanting to isolate.  They may understand feeling uncomfortable about their weight.  But my life is a swirling tornado of all of the above, with a huge slice of guilt added to the recipe.  I have huge guilt for not being "better" yet.  I have guilt for doubting God.  I have embarassment for not being healed in the matter and time that is "adequate".  I have huge anxiety over my looks, which I find to be disgusting and monster like. 

I have huge envy for my friends who are still in treatment.  I am ashamed to say that I wish I were still there.  Still working on kicking this monsters ass.  Still able to have the support 24/7 that I need and desire.  

But for me, real life dictates otherwise.  It's OK.  If I win the lottery, I will enter treatment again, and finally heal the wounds that are decaying away my life.  My family's life.  My poor children's lives. 

So, as you may know, I am a huge "music speaks" kind of person.  Today, it is this song, by Tenth Avenue North.  Called Worn. 

ps:  Don't worry Mom and Dad.  I am fine.  I always am.  I always will be.  :)







5 comments:

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Dan said...

I just stubbled upon your blog. My mother is suffering from similar things like Agoraphobia and Depression. I've tried for years to help her get a job and motivate her but nothing has ever worked.

Her health has declined tremendously. I must say though, timing works in mysterious ways. The house my Mother lives in also the house I grew up in after my parents divorce. The deal was that instead of my father paying child support, he pays the mortgage of the house that my Mother,brother and I were living in. My little brother is now 19 and has gone off to college.

my Father no longer has to pay the mortgage.

So now the obstacle for me is getting her back to her native country which is Italy... She would like to continue living the way she is living (Which is not healthy) I want to get her back to Italy were she'll have health care (which she does not have here),good food and she'll have family and friends that she grew up with.

She keeps going back in forth on wanting to go and not wanting to. She always told me growing up that she was never going to be going back...I might of been naive but I think she knew this day was coming....I didn't... I just found out about this last year.

oh my oh my the story gets longer but I felt compelled to at least relate... I like relating... anyway I wish you the best to over come your situation and just remember life is to short to be unhappy take advantage of it and make the best of it.

Grazie Mille

ciao ciao

Dan

Dan said...

I just stubbled upon your blog. My mother is suffering from similar things like Agoraphobia and Depression. I've tried for years to help her get a job and motivate her but nothing has ever worked.

Her health has declined tremendously. I must say though, timing works in mysterious ways. The house my Mother lives in also the house I grew up in after my parents divorce. The deal was that instead of my father paying child support, he pays the mortgage of the house that my Mother,brother and I were living in. My little brother is now 19 and has gone off to college.

my Father no longer has to pay the mortgage.

So now the obstacle for me is getting her back to her native country which is Italy... She would like to continue living the way she is living (Which is not healthy) I want to get her back to Italy were she'll have health care (which she does not have here),good food and she'll have family and friends that she grew up with.

She keeps going back in forth on wanting to go and not wanting to. She always told me growing up that she was never going to be going back...I might of been naive but I think she knew this day was coming....I didn't... I just found out about this last year.

oh my oh my the story gets longer but I felt compelled to at least relate... I like relating... anyway I wish you the best to over come your situation and just remember life is to short to be unhappy take advantage of it and make the best of it.

Grazie Mille

ciao ciao

Dan

Dan said...

Sorry for posting twice I didn't mean to. I meant to delete the first one because the URL isn't the one I wanted to use for commenting on this blog...sorry...its I guess the newest one...

again sorry.

make-a-joyful-noise said...

Thank you thank you thank you for this song. This is what I needed today.