Friday, January 18, 2013

Going all makes sense now!

Jason Gray, one of my most favorite Christian artists was on Joy FM today.  Fortunate for me, a wonderful friend of mine texted me and told me to turn it on and listen.  The first thing I heard was him singing this song:

Now, both my friend and I are in the middle of something that is hard to escape.  So, we both, simultaneously, in separate minivans, balled our eyes out listening to this song.  

As chance would have it, amazingly, we passed each other in our vans, and got out in the middle of a parking lot and hugged each other tightly.  This was a God moment.  I love her.  I want her well.  She wants me well.  And we both question God...and fight to see the light sometimes.  She is a beautiful mother.  A beautiful wife.  And most importantly to me, a beautiful friend.  Not only beautiful to see...but her heart holds the kind of beauty that most people will never attain.  

Megan, you are beautiful. 


Jason Gray then went on to talk about something a mentor of his told him once, and it resinated with me.  He said that life really shouldn't be like a huge tall hill that you climb.  Climb, climb, climb until you reach the top and then TA DA!!!!  You've made it.  


Instead, life's journey is more like a winding path around that damn tall  hill.  On one side you have pain and misery, but keep walking.  The other side holds your chance to see why you had to face that dark, bleak, mean, miserable side.  This side is full of beauty and the ability to see God in his shining light.  Then dammit, all of a sudden, you are back on the other side of the hill.  More misery.  More sadness.  More darkness.  But with every lap, you learn more and more about how the darkness leads to the light.  And you learn to appreciate the light more and more.  Eventually, when the dark side comes around again, you know that there is light to follow.  

This spoke to me in a huge, huge way.  I have always believed this to be I know and appreciate my bad times, because they have taught me to be humble and appreciate the good times more.  But to hear it explained in this way, was amazing to me.  

That's all.  Happy Day, ya'll. 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Just Keep Going. . .

Just keep Going.  Simple.  Just keep Going.  Automatic.  Just keep Going.  No thought involved. One foot in front of the other.  

That is where I am.  But I don't really see it as a good thing yet.  

I am going.  I keep going.  I keep going.  I keep going.  Because I have to.  I have so much pressure on me to "Keep Going"....Stopping, or turning around is not on option, because of all the people counting on me.

I don't like that pressure.  I want to put a fast halt on moving, turn around, and RUN to where I came from.  I don't like walking.  I don't like not being able to see over the horizon.  I don't like what can come from that.  I don't like being in the realm of the unknown.  

Behind me may be full of danger and hate and ugliness and death...but at least I know what I would be facing.  

Most normal, healthy people have no clue what the hell I am talking about, but you can insert your own struggles into this scenario and be fine to come up with your own situation.  I am not that unusual afterall.  I may be more open than most.  But guess what, I know most of you have hurts and bad things you hide.  I'm just ready to be honest.  This is my journey.  

And I keep going.  I cry every day because taking these steps are painful.  These continued steps are expensive.  These continued steps are never a sure thing.  These continued steps sometimes VERY MUCH resemble the same steps that would be going backwards.  

I have no idea, none what so ever, what "RECOVERY" would be like.  I have never been close to it.  I don't like what I *think* recovery means.  Right now, in my mind, "Recovery" means being happy being fat.  I don't want to be happy being fat.  I want to be rail thin and happy.  Isn't that possible?  

Then I feel guilty putting so much emphasis in my life about size, shape, weight....  How dare I?  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family...such great friends... a house...enough money to eat...the love of Jesus in my heart...a great school for Julianne...a few friends that are much more than just friends...they are sisters and forever friends.  I am so blessed that I am ashamed of myself for having the feelings I have about weight and lack of being "enough".  


Just keep going.  

One foot in front of the other.  

while looking back.  

while feeling the tight knot from the rope that tries to pull me backwards.  It is a true physical feeling.  

while knowing that those in charge of my healing are smart people, looking out for what is best for me.  

I have to trust that they wouldn't lead me into danger.  

Because that walk forward feels dangerous to me.  

But God does say He goes before me...............

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Life of a mother with Agoraphobia...

I am a mother of five children.  I do the best I can, but I am a substandard mother.  I suffer from many things, one of them being agoraphobia.  Yes...I have a stupid fear of leaving the house.  So, my children get bored easy.  Let me give you an example of our day.

I don't sleep well.  So I am usually up way before them.  Thank God.  Some quiet time to myself.  I have my oatmeal, diet pepsi and coffee, USUALLY to myself.  Unless, one or two of the kids migrated to the couches in the middle of the night...then they may wake up, and ruin my "me time".

Eventually they wake up. I must feed them.  Cereal or toast.  Never good enough for ANY of them.  "WHY CAN'T WE HAVE GOOD BREAKFASTS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THIS WORLD!!!"  Same old complaint, every day.  Same answer every day...."Be happy you have food!".

Almost immediately we start with the, "What are we doing today".  My usual answer is "Cleaning".  This is never appreciated.  I pray that somebody calls and offers to take one or more of them to play at their house, so I don't have to listen to them whine all day long.

My kids are bored.  I have no desire to take them anywhere anymore.  I hope this changes soon....but for now, I don't want to leave the house.

As the day progresses, so does the chaos.  My oldest hates me, and starts with the attitude of how awful I am, and how she does not care about anything I say or do.  To  her, I suck.  I foresee this getting worse before it gets better.  And that sucks.  She is depressed, and I can't help her.

My second oldest begs to have somebody come over.  I am never in the mood for that.  That would involve me being "on" and entertaining-ish.  I don't want to be "on".  I want to hang out in my own sick solitary world.  She gets mad and pouts all day long.

My third oldest either plays nicely,  hangs on me, runs around like a mad woman with the other two little ones or cries LOUDLY that she has no friends to go over and visit.  She is my biggest fit thrower.  And it drives me nuts.

My forth child is VERY bored.  He wants to ride his bike in the house.  He wants me to take him to Target.  He wants to go to a friends house.  He wants to have a sleepover.  He wants to go ANYWHERE.  He is bored out of his mind.  So, mainly, he runs around like a mad man and has his two youngest sisters chase him.  LOUDLY.  Around the table, through the kitchen, onto my bed, up and down the stairs...and so on.  Then it usually turns into a wrestling match...which usually always turns into somebody getting hurt, and then somebody coming "close to dying".  This goes on all day. Loudly.  And my nerves go into high gear.

My fifth child is stubborn and has the attitude of my oldest. Snot. But a cute snot.

Meanwhile, I try to keep calm and stay focused in my own mind.  It is hard. I have a lot going on myself, and  if only I could take them to the park to run off some steam, that would be great.  But I am trapped in my house.  I don't want to leave.  I don't even like talking on the phone.  Thank God for texting.  Now, if only my mother texted.  I struggle with eating, with having major anxiety and depression.

See, my children suffer because of my lack of lots of things.  I hope someday I change.  I am working on it.  They deserve better.  They are wonderful kids just looking for things to do.  .