Saturday, January 5, 2013

Life of a mother with Agoraphobia...

I am a mother of five children.  I do the best I can, but I am a substandard mother.  I suffer from many things, one of them being agoraphobia.  Yes...I have a stupid fear of leaving the house.  So, my children get bored easy.  Let me give you an example of our day.

I don't sleep well.  So I am usually up way before them.  Thank God.  Some quiet time to myself.  I have my oatmeal, diet pepsi and coffee, USUALLY to myself.  Unless, one or two of the kids migrated to the couches in the middle of the night...then they may wake up, and ruin my "me time".

Eventually they wake up. I must feed them.  Cereal or toast.  Never good enough for ANY of them.  "WHY CAN'T WE HAVE GOOD BREAKFASTS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THIS WORLD!!!"  Same old complaint, every day.  Same answer every day...."Be happy you have food!".

Almost immediately we start with the, "What are we doing today".  My usual answer is "Cleaning".  This is never appreciated.  I pray that somebody calls and offers to take one or more of them to play at their house, so I don't have to listen to them whine all day long.

My kids are bored.  I have no desire to take them anywhere anymore.  I hope this changes soon....but for now, I don't want to leave the house.

As the day progresses, so does the chaos.  My oldest hates me, and starts with the attitude of how awful I am, and how she does not care about anything I say or do.  To  her, I suck.  I foresee this getting worse before it gets better.  And that sucks.  She is depressed, and I can't help her.

My second oldest begs to have somebody come over.  I am never in the mood for that.  That would involve me being "on" and entertaining-ish.  I don't want to be "on".  I want to hang out in my own sick solitary world.  She gets mad and pouts all day long.

My third oldest either plays nicely,  hangs on me, runs around like a mad woman with the other two little ones or cries LOUDLY that she has no friends to go over and visit.  She is my biggest fit thrower.  And it drives me nuts.

My forth child is VERY bored.  He wants to ride his bike in the house.  He wants me to take him to Target.  He wants to go to a friends house.  He wants to have a sleepover.  He wants to go ANYWHERE.  He is bored out of his mind.  So, mainly, he runs around like a mad man and has his two youngest sisters chase him.  LOUDLY.  Around the table, through the kitchen, onto my bed, up and down the stairs...and so on.  Then it usually turns into a wrestling match...which usually always turns into somebody getting hurt, and then somebody coming "close to dying".  This goes on all day. Loudly.  And my nerves go into high gear.

My fifth child is stubborn and has the attitude of my oldest. Snot. But a cute snot.

Meanwhile, I try to keep calm and stay focused in my own mind.  It is hard. I have a lot going on myself, and  if only I could take them to the park to run off some steam, that would be great.  But I am trapped in my house.  I don't want to leave.  I don't even like talking on the phone.  Thank God for texting.  Now, if only my mother texted.  I struggle with eating, with having major anxiety and depression.

See, my children suffer because of my lack of lots of things.  I hope someday I change.  I am working on it.  They deserve better.  They are wonderful kids just looking for things to do.  .

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