Sunday, January 13, 2013

Just Keep Going. . .

Just keep Going.  Simple.  Just keep Going.  Automatic.  Just keep Going.  No thought involved. One foot in front of the other.  

That is where I am.  But I don't really see it as a good thing yet.  

I am going.  I keep going.  I keep going.  I keep going.  Because I have to.  I have so much pressure on me to "Keep Going"....Stopping, or turning around is not on option, because of all the people counting on me.

I don't like that pressure.  I want to put a fast halt on moving, turn around, and RUN to where I came from.  I don't like walking.  I don't like not being able to see over the horizon.  I don't like what can come from that.  I don't like being in the realm of the unknown.  

Behind me may be full of danger and hate and ugliness and death...but at least I know what I would be facing.  

Most normal, healthy people have no clue what the hell I am talking about, but you can insert your own struggles into this scenario and be fine to come up with your own situation.  I am not that unusual afterall.  I may be more open than most.  But guess what, I know most of you have hurts and bad things you hide.  I'm just ready to be honest.  This is my journey.  

And I keep going.  I cry every day because taking these steps are painful.  These continued steps are expensive.  These continued steps are never a sure thing.  These continued steps sometimes VERY MUCH resemble the same steps that would be going backwards.  

I have no idea, none what so ever, what "RECOVERY" would be like.  I have never been close to it.  I don't like what I *think* recovery means.  Right now, in my mind, "Recovery" means being happy being fat.  I don't want to be happy being fat.  I want to be rail thin and happy.  Isn't that possible?  

Then I feel guilty putting so much emphasis in my life about size, shape, weight....  How dare I?  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family...such great friends... a house...enough money to eat...the love of Jesus in my heart...a great school for Julianne...a few friends that are much more than just friends...they are sisters and forever friends.  I am so blessed that I am ashamed of myself for having the feelings I have about weight and lack of being "enough".  


Just keep going.  

One foot in front of the other.  

while looking back.  

while feeling the tight knot from the rope that tries to pull me backwards.  It is a true physical feeling.  

while knowing that those in charge of my healing are smart people, looking out for what is best for me.  

I have to trust that they wouldn't lead me into danger.  

Because that walk forward feels dangerous to me.  

But God does say He goes before me...............

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