Saturday, December 29, 2012

New Year Schmew Year...

In a few days, a new year starts.  A new year.  When you think about it, what's the big deal?  It is just time continuing on from the previous day/month/year.  It is not like you take a step over a crack and BOOM, you are in a new year.  Time is time is time.

People set goals, or "resolutions" at the beginning of each year.  Usually always the same...lose weight, eat healthier, be nicer, etc. etc.  Why does January make it "normal" to set these sort of goals.  Couldn't these resolutions be started at any time?  I think so.

With that being said, I too am making some promises to myself starting TODAY.  Not in a few days from now.  Why wait?  I ask myself....

I am tired of living the way I have been living.  I can't explain it to those who don't live it, but my eating disorder consumes me.  And I am tired of it.  I am making a promise to myself to 100% actively try to recover.  Like....really recover.  I want to be thin...but I also want to be normal.  And I want to feel love and be able to love again.  I miss having my brain think of other things other than calories, pounds, water weight, pant size, wrist size, leg size......I'M TIRED OF IT.  I am more than this.  I AM ENOUGH how I am.

God made me.  God loves me.  He knows the plans for me.

So, as January 1 approaches, I will be ahead of all those waiting until the clock strikes midnight to begin their journey into new resolutions.  Catch me if you can!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I'm Roughly Six Feet Tall. . .

On September 17th of this year, I went into residential treatment for my eating disorder.  While that saved my life, it reeked havoc on my children's lives.  Especially my oldest two.  It was beyond difficult trying to heal myself, while I knew my children were suffering so terribly.  They went through, and are still going through some EXTREMELY difficult things.  Suicide was threatened.  Self harm was a huge worry.  It was a nightmare for a mother to try and deal with this while not being able to be near her children.  It was/is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with as a mother.  My poor babies suffer because of my mental illness.

Fortunately I have great friends who helped immediately when needed.  I have a great school who helped immediately when needed.  I have insurance which helped me get them counseling immediately.  I am blessed in many ways, but still feel guilt over having them suffer due to my problems.

But a good thing happened the other day.  My daughter (and she does not want to be identified) told me to listen to a song.  She knows that music is my lifeline to sanity I guess.  However, I never imagined the song she wanted me to hear would impact me so strongly.  I listened to it.  And then she said to me, (paraphrasing here) "See, it doesn't matter what size we are, or what we look like...."

I love you daughter.

Friday, December 7, 2012

You are looking so FAT!

Welcome to my disordered thinking.  You are now in the mind of a person with an eating disorder.  Enjoy the journey...

When somebody says to me, "You look great!", or "You are looking so good!"...while I know and appreciate the nice words, my brain immediately turns those words over to ED (Eating Disorder) and I hear something completely different.  See, when you say those words to me, or anybody who is suffering with disordered thoughts from an eating disorder, what is heard is this:

You are looking like you have gained some weight!!

Now, I realize I am putting myself out there, in the sense that this sounds so fucking stupid to the average person.  But just take this as sort of a look into the soul of an eating disorder.  My ED hates me, and will do anything and everything to make me feel terrible.  

Having said all that....

If you think I look good, continue to tell me.  :)  I need practice hearing it.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Why do the Birds go on Singing?

Nobody will ever understand.  Not even the professionals.  It's just the nature of the beast, I guess.