On September 17th of this year, I went into residential treatment for my eating disorder. While that saved my life, it reeked havoc on my children's lives. Especially my oldest two. It was beyond difficult trying to heal myself, while I knew my children were suffering so terribly. They went through, and are still going through some EXTREMELY difficult things. Suicide was threatened. Self harm was a huge worry. It was a nightmare for a mother to try and deal with this while not being able to be near her children. It was/is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with as a mother. My poor babies suffer because of my mental illness.
Fortunately I have great friends who helped immediately when needed. I have a great school who helped immediately when needed. I have insurance which helped me get them counseling immediately. I am blessed in many ways, but still feel guilt over having them suffer due to my problems.
But a good thing happened the other day. My daughter (and she does not want to be identified) told me to listen to a song. She knows that music is my lifeline to sanity I guess. However, I never imagined the song she wanted me to hear would impact me so strongly. I listened to it. And then she said to me, (paraphrasing here) "See, it doesn't matter what size we are, or what we look like...."
I love you daughter.