Monday, May 31, 2010

From here to Eternity...

From a very early age, I knew about death. I feel that I knew about death way too young, and way too often. And I always knew that it wasn't fair.

When I was 11, my wonderful grandma died of lung cancer. I adored my grandma, and still to this day, think of her every single day. Not fair.

When I was about 12 or so, my good friend Dawn's cousin died. She wasn't very old, 2 maybe. Christi was her name. She lived down the street from me. This was shocking and unexpected, and it set the tone in my life for the knowledge that in an instant we, or anybody we love, can die in a heartbeat. Because that is what happened with Christi. She had the flu, and then just died. Just like that. Not fair.

Shortly after that, a year or two later, my same good friend Dawn's little cousin Patrick died. He too was very little. 3 years old maybe. He went in for heart surgery, and didn't come home. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I remember my mom telling me this news as I came home from school one day. I remember running down the street to tell my friend Theresa...and then we walked and cried...because she too knew these kids... and it wasn't fair.

Later in high school, Matt commited suicide. Matt was the brother of one of my very best friends in this whole world. He was 16. This, again, was another turning point in my life where again, it was reiterated that we, and those we love, can die in a split second. Because that is what happened. One millisecond on a trigger of a shotgun, and forever you are gone. Not fair.

Later, in my adult life, a good church friend lost her little boy after a long and horrible fight with a mean cancer. He was 5. His name was Nick. Not fair.

And people wonder why I have anxiety and fear and worry. It could have something to do with growing up in fear of people dieing. And after some thinking this morning, I believe these deaths may have also helped contribute to my subcontious need to be in control of something, hence my eating disorder beginnings in those formative years. Funny to think that the deaths of others, could somehow almost contribute to my very own death by starvation and the numerous other variations.

Yesterday somebody else went to heaven. It was my friend Heather's little boy. Carter Jay. Not fair. I know know know that there is a bigger picture to all of this. And I know that faith grows in sorror. I know that there is a reason for these things. I know that God has a plan.

But human hearts hurt.

I have this song that I absolutely love...and haven't listened to it in years. But I will dedicate this to Heather today.

2 comments:

Pita said...

I don't have the answers either Chrissy. Over the years I have asked myself countless times, the "why" question. I had lived for years with anxiety and an obsessive fear of dying, and then ppd. I know it stems from losing Christy and Patrick, and witnessing Christy's passing. I believe it kept me from having faith in God for many years. Now I am working on building a close personal relationship with God and I am more at peace than I have ever been. The pain of losing those we love is devastating, but I will take that pain over never having known and loving them. We humans are strong yet fragile creatures. Our bodies and minds can only withstand so much. I have read Carters story and I saw a very brave and strong little boy. But his body could only handle so much, and now he soars with our Christy and Patrick, and so many others we have loved and lost.
I understand your fears and what you've been through Chrissy. I believe God is with us all the time. He is the only one who can see us through...and he does. :-) Love you,
Dawn

Team Carter Jay said...

Awwww, I read this post awhile back, but never realized that I didn't comment on it. I <3 you. You are too sweet, and I will cherish this song forever! <3