From a very early age, I knew about death. I feel that I knew about death way too young, and way too often. And I always knew that it wasn't fair.
When I was 11, my wonderful grandma died of lung cancer. I adored my grandma, and still to this day, think of her every single day. Not fair.
When I was about 12 or so, my good friend Dawn's cousin died. She wasn't very old, 2 maybe. Christi was her name. She lived down the street from me. This was shocking and unexpected, and it set the tone in my life for the knowledge that in an instant we, or anybody we love, can die in a heartbeat. Because that is what happened with Christi. She had the flu, and then just died. Just like that. Not fair.
Shortly after that, a year or two later, my same good friend Dawn's little cousin Patrick died. He too was very little. 3 years old maybe. He went in for heart surgery, and didn't come home. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I remember my mom telling me this news as I came home from school one day. I remember running down the street to tell my friend Theresa...and then we walked and cried...because she too knew these kids... and it wasn't fair.
Later in high school, Matt commited suicide. Matt was the brother of one of my very best friends in this whole world. He was 16. This, again, was another turning point in my life where again, it was reiterated that we, and those we love, can die in a split second. Because that is what happened. One millisecond on a trigger of a shotgun, and forever you are gone. Not fair.
Later, in my adult life, a good church friend lost her little boy after a long and horrible fight with a mean cancer. He was 5. His name was Nick. Not fair.
And people wonder why I have anxiety and fear and worry. It could have something to do with growing up in fear of people dieing. And after some thinking this morning, I believe these deaths may have also helped contribute to my subcontious need to be in control of something, hence my eating disorder beginnings in those formative years. Funny to think that the deaths of others, could somehow almost contribute to my very own death by starvation and the numerous other variations.
Yesterday somebody else went to heaven. It was my friend Heather's little boy. Carter Jay. Not fair. I know know know that there is a bigger picture to all of this. And I know that faith grows in sorror. I know that there is a reason for these things. I know that God has a plan.
But human hearts hurt.
I have this song that I absolutely love...and haven't listened to it in years. But I will dedicate this to Heather today.