Throughout my life, I have had doors close and new ones open. For example, when we lost our business, it was devastating and scary as hell to a mother of five little bitty children. But before we knew it, new doors opened and life is much, MUCH better today with no business. When I had a miscarriage, that also was a devastating door closing blow...but look what happened...four more children crawled through another open door and found me. I realize it all works out eventually.
So, why this blog post? Consider it sort of "therapy" for me. ;)
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I see myself in the image above. Alone in a stone, dark tunnel. Feeling my way around. Searching for a door...or even a freaking window. I have been in a tunnel for a very long time. I am getting tired of the darkness, even if it is becoming a safe environment for me. In the dark, nobody can see me, which I like. In the tunnel, I am alone, which I like. In the stone tunnel, it is cold, and I am able to hide and hope for a better world. What if I find that door, and the world is no better. Yes, that is a stupid fear, but it is a true fear of mine. What if I continue to crawl around, spend time searching, creeping around this dark tunnel, only to find out that the door I find only leads to a darker tunnel? What if the new dark, cold tunnel has rats? That would just be too much for me to handle. So, I think sometimes that the tunnel I currently live in isn't so bad after all.
Unfortunately, I must keep looking for a new door. Otherwise, I am doomed to this unhappy, unhealthy life I am currently living. I must learn to trust that a new door may or may not be better than what I have now, but if I stop searching, I have given up. I do not want to be a quitter. So a hunting I will continue.
Even if I don't want to.
