A splinter of me...

I didn't go searching for it. I didn't even know I wanted to find it. So, by accident tonight, I found something within myself that I didn't realize was there.

I found a part of me, my childhood, my present and my future...all wrapped up in music. Let me try to put this into words.

While scanning youtube tonight, I had a fleeting thought that I would like to hear an acoustic guitar melody that my dad would play whenever he would break out the guitar. So, I called my mom, and had her ask dad what the song was called. (Is it called a song if there are no words??) Anyway, he said it was called "Under the Double Eagle". Wierd name, I thought. So I thanked them, hung up, and went back to youtube.

I absolutely adore youtube, because no matter what in the world you are looking for, you'll find it there.

I started listening to some of the videos of people playing this on the guitar...and little by little, it became clear to me that this was more than just a guitar solo to me. As I listenend, I found myself smiling, and taking a journey to "back then" in my memory. I was/am/will always be a daddy's girl, and oh how I loved when he played music. The mere sound of this tune made my stomach fill with butterflies, and feel a strange happiness that isn't usually there. Oh how I miss hearing him play. I think maybe I should teach myself how to play this tune, because I love it so much.

I then began to think about why this tune made me feel so happy...and strangely enough, happiness that could easily turn into tears. I decided it is because this tune is a piece of me. I feel that if I were broken apart to see what I am made of, somewhere, there would be a splinter of me that was made up of this song.

This little story probably makes absolutely no sense to anybody but me. Sorry about that. But if I may share.....here is a what a splinter of me would sound like:

WWSD?

Sometimes it becomes blazingly clear to me, the fact that 1) I daydream way too much while driving and 2) I over think things all.the.time.

Here is just one example of that:

One day last week, while doing my usual drive to or from somewhere...(honestly, I don't even remember where I was going or where I was coming from. That really isn't all that strange, considering that lately, I rarely remember much of anything that I need to do, or should have done or was going to do)... So, while at a stoplight, while daydreaming about something else, I see on the back window of the car in front of me, this:

What Would Scooby Do? ...you know, a take off of the infamous "What Would Jesus Do?" campaign.

What would Scooby Do?

What would Scooby Do?

So, while thinking about what Scooby would always do, it was then that I began to realize, that I was a whole hell of a lot like Scooby.

You see....Scooby was a scardey cat (or scardey dog, really) who would rather eat than pretty much do anything else. I too, am afraid of most everything...and if given the chance, would opt for a snack or meal over most anything.

Interesting thoughts, don't you think....

And then the light turned green, and I continued on my way.

Halloween 2010...

PICTURES:

Jessica Pea, like the vegetable!

Have you ever felt so blessed to know somebody, and think that your life is such a better place because of them? Well I have. Actually, it isn't a "somebody", it's an entire family. The Asinger family.

I grew up on Wright Ave. Down and across the street by about 5 houses, lived the Asinger family. Theresa was the youngest of all the kids. There is Mary, Margi, Kathi, Tim, Tom, Joe, John, Chris and Theresa. That is not in complete order, but Chris was my age, and Theresa was a year younger than I. I can't remember the specific year Theresa and I became friends, but I do remember she was still in a crib. :)





When I think about my childhood, my teenage years, my twenties, and up until this very day, there aren't many memories that don't include Theresa and her family. I remember the good times like when Theresa spent the night once, and we used all our Barbies and make up and made up wonderful, hilarious plays, which involved the infamous "Apricot Facial Scrub Domestic Violence" barbie. Good times good times. I remember the always feeling like a part of the family. An unofficial Asinger, if you will. They were all always so accepting of me. I remember going to family reunions, parties at "Aunt Mary's in the country", and late night Tripoli games at the Asinger dining room table. Some random memories also include walking through JC Penny watching Kathi bust a move to an erythmics song, on the eve of her hysterectomy, walking to National Grocery Store late at night to visit Theresa the salad bar queen, rock a bowl's, skating in the tennis courts and so many, many more.


I was honored to be the only other person in the delivery room for both of Theresa's children, one of which is my fabulous Godson, Joesph. There were more Asinger's in my wedding than Walewski's I think, lol....Theresa, Jessica and Joey. Theresa is Allison's Godmother. We are family, regardless of the blood relation.

In the process of knowing the Asinger kids and Mom and Dad Asinger, I of course was there for the cousins...mainly Jennifer, Jessica and Adrienne. They were also like my sweet cousins, or little sisters. I loved, and still love those girls.


And one of those sweet girls got married last night. Jessica.

Jessica is and always has been an amazing person. As a child, she was a strawberry shortcake look alike, and as funny, smart and cute as could be. Jessica's childhood was less than ideal, in many regards, but she was always the shining light of the darkness. She was always the girl everyone knew would be OK. She had a way about her that was determined and talented and loving and sweet....and every other positive thing you could come up with. And the girl could dance.

I remember when she went off to college. Going to college isn't something my own family is too familiar with, and she was the first to go to college in her immediate family as well. I remember being so proud and happy for her. Then when she moved to Arizona, I remember thinking how awesome she is, and how proud I was that she was brave enough to go and start a new life, far from those who loved her.

Fast forward to last night. If you knew Jessica, and you knew what she has been through, and the what she has fought and survived, you too would feel the love in your pit of your stomach like I did last night. When I saw her walk though the door with Alex last night, it took my breath away. She was absolutely beautiful.

Jessica was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Part of her beauty comes from her smashing good looks, but the other half is her fantastic heart, and love of others. She is just beauty inside and out.

I was so moved with her beauty, and knowing some of her journey to get to where she is.

So back to how I started this story...The Asinger family was at the wedding last night, of course, and it was just a beautiful thing. My life has been made better by knowing all these people.

I love them.

I love you Jessica! Have happiness till the end of time sweetheart!!!

Say Cheese!

Today was a beautiful day. It is the beginning of September, and for the first time in a few months, the weather allowed you to have your house windows open. The kids played outside in the backyard while I cleaned, and I was able to hear them! The sun was shining and warm, yet in the shade you would be at the perfect temperature if you had on long sleeves. There was an ever so soft whisper of a breeze. It was pretty much as close to perfect as you could ask for.

After I had cleaned enough to see that I had done anything at all, I felt empowered enough to take the kids to the park. I felt like that would be a "Good Mom" thing to do. I will admit, I don't do it often enough, because truth be told, I'm lazy. So, in my "Good Mom" mode, I put Juli and Audrey in the wagon. Mason and Alena both rode their scooters, and neighbor friend Jordan rode her bike. Off we went, and walked to the park.

"Yay!" I thought to myself. "I'm actually doing something fun with the kids! I can say I wasn't a total failure as a mother this day" I told myself.

We were at the park for some time. Of course, my lazy self sat listening to my iPod while constantly scanning counting the kids, to make sure none of them escaped. This was nice. I was in the shade, with that above mentioned whisper of a breeze. The kids were running, climbing, pushing/shoving, swinging, laughing, and all sorts of park stuff. Life was good.


After we had been there about an hour, Audrey decided she wanted to take her shoes off. That of course, was not OK with me, if she wanted to run around the playground. So I made her sit on the bench by me. "Let's take a picture of this perfect, "Good Mom" moment," I thought.

"Say Cheese!", I said to Audrey. She made this crazy looking face. (See picture) So I say, "Let's do another one"....

Then it happened. The slap in the face that brought me out of my "Good Mom" day dream. Audrey decided to sit Indian style for the next picture.

I didn't take the next picture. Because it was at that moment, that I realized that my sweet little red headed child, at some point in the day before we left to go to the park, lost her underwear. So, there she sat.....for all the world to see....

It was suddenly time to go home. "Good Mom" left the building at that point.

Not Just Another New School Year!

Every last day of school, I know in the back of my mind that the "next" school year is looming right around the corner. I am on "Team LOVE summer vacation". Strangely enough, there is another Team out there called "Team GET back TO school". But for me, I soak in the almost three months of not fighting with kids to get up, go to sleep, do their homework, or brush their hair. I enjoy not having to worry about getting FIVE lunchboxes ready, or making sure I have all pieces of uniforms ready to go, or having to worry about classroom drama or lost school papers. I LOVE the ease of getting up when they are awake, going to the pool, and wearing flip flops every single day. I love sprinklers in the backyard, trips to the snocone stand and most of all, I love daylight hours before I wake until just about the time I am ready to call it a day. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

The end of summer 2010 had a slightly different feel to it, however. This coming school year will not only be all the bad things that I described above, but also full of new and exciting things! I welcomed this new school year with sadness AND excitement.

Four of my children will continue to go to Immaculate Heart of Mary School. Sadly, a lot of families, and a lot of my friends children have decided to go to a different school this year, for reasons that have not been made known to me, and that is OK. They will be sorely missed, but I wish them all the luck in the world. However, I will say that I am so glad that my children are returning to this school. Having had a St. Louis City Public School experience, I can tell you that there is a LOT to be said about IHM. For our family, I love being able to walk to school. I LOVE knowing so many families there. I LOVE that it isn't such a big school. I LOVE that talking about GOD is encouraged and not against the law. I LOVE Mrs. Zambo, lol. I love the "Village" there that helps me with my children. Yes, there are plenty of things that could benefit from change. But at this time, as long as we are able to afford to continue to send our kids there, I thank the Lord. It is going to be a great year. I KNOW IT!

Now, the biggest excitement of this year is the school change for Julianne. A miracle has happened, and we are able to send this wonderful child to this fantastic school, Miriam School. After being in a classroom of 30 children for the past two years, she is now in a classroom with 9 children. NINE children who share the same struggles as she has. She is welcomed every morning with hugs and "Hello Julianne"'s. She gets to take breaks from learning to bounce on bouncy balls, dive into the ball pit, do ALL kinds of OT things. When I pick her up, she is chewing gum, and this first week, has been exhausted! This school is a dream come true. I've said it 1000 times, but I just know she is going to blossom here. This would not be possible if it weren't for some great people in this world, who believe in Julianne, and trust that she is going to be as great one day, as I know she will be.

So....here we go. School year of 10/11. I had my boy start Kindergarten. My baby baby started preschool. My oldest started 6th grade, and my sweet middle child started 4th. And Julianne...well she is officially "ungraded", and I LOVE that.

From here to Eternity...

From a very early age, I knew about death. I feel that I knew about death way too young, and way too often. And I always knew that it wasn't fair.

When I was 11, my wonderful grandma died of lung cancer. I adored my grandma, and still to this day, think of her every single day. Not fair.

When I was about 12 or so, my good friend Dawn's cousin died. She wasn't very old, 2 maybe. Christi was her name. She lived down the street from me. This was shocking and unexpected, and it set the tone in my life for the knowledge that in an instant we, or anybody we love, can die in a heartbeat. Because that is what happened with Christi. She had the flu, and then just died. Just like that. Not fair.

Shortly after that, a year or two later, my same good friend Dawn's little cousin Patrick died. He too was very little. 3 years old maybe. He went in for heart surgery, and didn't come home. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I remember my mom telling me this news as I came home from school one day. I remember running down the street to tell my friend Theresa...and then we walked and cried...because she too knew these kids... and it wasn't fair.

Later in high school, Matt commited suicide. Matt was the brother of one of my very best friends in this whole world. He was 16. This, again, was another turning point in my life where again, it was reiterated that we, and those we love, can die in a split second. Because that is what happened. One millisecond on a trigger of a shotgun, and forever you are gone. Not fair.

Later, in my adult life, a good church friend lost her little boy after a long and horrible fight with a mean cancer. He was 5. His name was Nick. Not fair.

And people wonder why I have anxiety and fear and worry. It could have something to do with growing up in fear of people dieing. And after some thinking this morning, I believe these deaths may have also helped contribute to my subcontious need to be in control of something, hence my eating disorder beginnings in those formative years. Funny to think that the deaths of others, could somehow almost contribute to my very own death by starvation and the numerous other variations.

Yesterday somebody else went to heaven. It was my friend Heather's little boy. Carter Jay. Not fair. I know know know that there is a bigger picture to all of this. And I know that faith grows in sorror. I know that there is a reason for these things. I know that God has a plan.

But human hearts hurt.

I have this song that I absolutely love...and haven't listened to it in years. But I will dedicate this to Heather today.