Tomorrow Julianne has a doctors appointment. Not just any regular doctors appointment. This is the appointment we have been on a waiting list to get to for months. It is with another neurologist. A neurologist, that I am told, is "thorough" and specializes in developmental delays and such. I must tell you, however, that I googled this doctor, and he appears to be very old. THAT worries me. I fear he will be "old school" and not up to date on the new and improved way of medicine. He is expensive too. I am pretty sure my insurance will cover the visit, but if not, oh well, what's one more bill.
People ask why I want her to see another (a second) neurologist. I tell them that I was not impressed with the first one. I feel that he mostly listened to me talk, then did a few reflex checks and listened to Julianne's heart....and then said she had ADHD. That was it.
He did not know my child. He did not ask the questions I wanted him to ask. I do not feel that she is ADHD. *I* feel that her attention disorder is a SYMPTOM of something else. ....and I want to know what that something else is.
So, I was thinking about this today. I suppose I am worried about this appointment tomorrow. I didn't think I was, but I felt funky all day, and just thinking about what the doctor might do or say tomorrow scares me. And what I am hoping for, is a terrible thing really. I am hoping he tells me that he found something on her EEG. Something in her brain is off.....BUT...but but but...this can be fixed. I am praying he finds the "problem" and then tells me how to fix it.
But the reality is far less hopeful. I feel deep sorrow that he is going to tell me something else. I fear he will tell me that her brain is perfectly normal, and that she has a learning disability of unknown origin. ... and that other than trying to help her out, there really is nothing to be done.
This scares me. As a mother....to think about your child having to struggle from here on out to do everything. Struggle to try to make sense of letters and numbers. Try to make your way through school when you can't remember anything from day to day. Struggle to get a job as an adult, because education was so hard, what kind of job will she be able to do? Her personal relationships will be strained...people will not understand, and I fear she will be alone, without friends. How will she help her own children with homework? and so on, and so on and so on.
But, then I remember that this is Julianne we are talking about. The child whom everybody loves. The little girl who is so sweet and funny and dripping with cuteness. She can charm the skin off a snake. My sweet girl who just goes on and on, and who lives every day as it comes. If anybody has a chance to overcome this disability, it is her. People love her. And I think that because she is so lovable, she gets that little extra help from those who help her.....because they love her too.
How could you NOT love this....