Friday, June 15, 2012

Terrible Sadness and Strange Calmness

Today was the day I've been praying would never happen.  Today is the day that my great friend Mindy's baby died.  He was born way too early....a year ago...and he has made Mercy Hospital his home ever since.  But he was a fighter.  He was a cutie pie.  He was strong and defiant and he had his own opinions and definitely made his choices known. He was important and loved by so so many.  

His mother, my friend, was faithful.  She knew that God had a plan for him.  The doctors only had ideas.  And she was ALWAYS right.  She taught me so much about true faith, that I am a changed person because of her.  She has also been my sister in prayer throughout my own trials lately.  We have been a prayerful, loving, together team. She didn't judge me.  I just loved and prayed and thanked God for her.  

But today finally came.  Even though we all hoped it never would.  It came.  And my heart has true, physical pain over it.  For Mindy. As far as for Jesaiah, I am a tad jealous.  He is now being  held in the arms of Jesus.  Something I dream about daily.  He has no more tubes, and can breath on his own, and can move around.....finally.  Finally. 

But Mindy...she has lost something that nothing here has more worth on earth. Her baby.  Nobody can even begin to imagine what this must be like, unless you've lived through it.  Which, fortunately, I have not.  Not personally anyway.  This is not the first baby of a friend to have maybe that makes my emotion that much more stabbingly painful....but my heart is literally breaking for Mindy.  

Mindy came over to my house a week or so ago for a tattoo party.  She got this tattoo.  

A cross with a pink rose for her daughter and a blue rose for Jesaiah.  She is going to come back again, and get their names tattooed on there as well.  I really look forward to that. 

I was off work today, and decided to take the kids to Tower Grove Park.  (yay me for actually doing something!!).  It was such a beautiful day.  I relaxed in my chair and worked on a project while my kids all behaved so wonderfully.  They played at the parks, ran in the fields, played with friends we knew and didn't know, played in the water.....and basically, just enjoyed the day.  

But my heart was heavy.  And tears would swell up my eyes.  For Mindy.  But then, as it became close to time to leave, God spoke to me.  He does this sometimes whether you believe me or not.  What I heard him say was (Paraphrased here......) "Look at this beautiful day.  Life goes on, Chris.  Jesaiah is here with me.  You will be too, someday, I promise.  But life on earth goes on...... let it."  

And I became zombified, for lack of a better word, for a minute while I thought about that.  But it's true.  Jesaiah had a HUGE impact on so many of us down here.  Mindy made a huge impact on so many of us down here.  A purpose was served.  It's not fair or right in earth terms.... but "it is what it is".  

God's plan.  His plan.  It was always his plan.  His plan always is the only plan.  

So, I will share some of the life that went on here today.  Even though a few miles away, sadness and tears were obviously the main emotion.  

And that was our day.  

But I also made this photo of big sis Anadyah holding her baby brother for the FIRST time ever the other day.  

So, does go on.  But it will never be the same. 


Anonymous said...

Oh Peppi, you write so beautifully and because of your words I am grateful.


Grandma said...

I'm glad that you had some nice times with the kids yesterday. The kids have missed those happy times. So sad for Mindy. Beautiful story!

Lauren Johns said...

Well at least you had a good rest of the day! Did you always used to prey?