My Eating Disorder...

When I reflect on my eating disorder, and when it began, this is where I can first remember having feelings of being inadequate:

I remember wanting legs like her.  I remember sitting in the movie theater and wishing I had her little body.  

So.....I've had this disease and its brain disordered thinking since being very young.  

That might be why it is so hard to overcome it.  I've had it most my life.

Why am I here?

Have you ever wondered what the meaning of life was?

Well, I have wondered what the meaning of MY life is.  

I actually have a great life.  I feel I always have.  I am blessed with great family.  I have an abundant support system from school life and friends and family.  My husband loves me and lets me do what I know is right for me.  I have five deliciously lovely children.  I have learned that being a good and kind person is a quality I am proud of.  I may not have much money, but I don't care, because I know the Lord always provides.  

My life, in generalities, is fantastic. 

But this past year has been challenging.  A year ago this Thanksgiving, I started on a journey that I never saw coming.  
*Thousands of dollars in therapy.
*Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
*Two leave of absences from work.
*Long stays in treatment for my eating disorder.
*Losing over 100 pounds, 70 of them in the first 3 months. 
*Self harm like crazy. 
*Tube feedings.
*Laxative abuse.
*Purging every morsel of food that would enter my body. 

and on and on. 

My life took a serious change a year ago.  

But despite the painful and anxiety ridden return to life, I have discovered the love and goodness of people....friends, family and strangers.  I have had had friends drive my daughter to school for me.  I have had friends bring my family dinner.  I have had friends let my kids spend time at their houses, and drive them to and from practices and soccer games.  I have had family take my children for weekends.  All of them, all weekend.  I have had a stranger help us in a financial way.  I have had a great friends come and visit me at the treatment center house...one of them I will call my forever sister/momma boo boo.  ;)  

All of this with NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 

And above all...I have had COUNTLESS prayers said for myself and my family.  

It is amazing to see greatness come from awfulness.  

I take this journey, as painful and scary and doom-filled as it is, knowing that it is all God's plan.  To show me the greatness of others, and to show others how awesome it feels to be great to others.  

Now....if only I could kick my disease in the ass and move on with life.....

....hmmmm.....I ask for continued prayers.  :)

Thank you all.  Family.  Friends.  Strangers.  

A Child of Greatness. . .

This is my daughter Julianne:

Julianne is my own little poster child for "Learning Disabled".  At 9.5 years old, she still can't read, or do simple math.  She suffers from dyslexia with her letters.  She has a language disorder which makes it difficult for her to find the words she needs and wants to say.  She has trouble having friends her own age.  She still speaks with many sounds pronounced not quite right.  And...most troubling to me, is her "working memory" has something *quirky* going on with it. 


But that is not WHO she is.  Julianne is an AMAZING child, with quite the personality needed to change this world.  There is NOBODY, and I do mean NOBODY who knows this child who does not love her.  She is funny.  (Gets that from me...)  She works harder than anybody I know, never giving up trying to learn and catch up.  She is not ashamed of her "disorders".  And above all, she is TALENTED!!  She has an eye for art like you wouldn't believe.  She sees things in pictures that the rest of us can't.  It is quite amazing, actually.  She loves to draw, paint, make necklaces.  She has saved almost enough money to buy her first American Girl Doll.  She has a plan for the future.  She wants to be a mommy and an artist.  


And I have no doubt she will be.  


I would like to take this time to put a great big shout out to MIRIAM SCHOOL.  This school has saved my child's life, and given her the confidence she needed to figure out that she was indeed, NORMAL.  She is NOT disabled, or retarded or stupid.  She is fantastic, smart and hard working.  Miriam School believes in my daughter.  Because of the care and effort given to her, she WILL read one day.  But more importantly, she will know that she has the potential of being anything she wants to be.  


And to me, she already is perfect.  


Thank you Miriam School. .... and all the angels who help her attend there.  YOU are changing the world...because this girl is going to be something big.  Mark my words. 

Maybe Someday...

Maybe Someday...


..."You can hide, hold all your feelings inside, when all you want to do is cry...."


...."We will live our lives out loud.  We will be better off somehow.  Sometimes we don't really notice just how good it can get.  So maybe we should start all over again."


..."Try to find another mistake.  If you throw it all away, then maybe you can change your mind."


..."Make it good to be someone"...

People that I used to know...

This note can possibly be taken quite literally by some people.  And it may even come off as mean and cruel.  But please realize, it is my crazy...working itself out.  I'm sure  you are all just fine wonderful people.  You just don't need me.  That's all.


And as of today, I'm going to be FINE with that.


Story goes like this:  I was somewhere that was VERY intense and shared secrets that will never be spoken elsewhere...and I showed sides of me that God willing never appear in front of people who aren't trained to handle crazy asses.  I opened my heart, and also listened to their stories.  I felt connections I hadn't felt in God knows how long.  I felt like these people really cared for me.  And I know I really cared for them.


The time came, and I left.  I had a good cry.  We all hugged.  We exchanged info.  PROMISED to keep in touch.


Promised to keep in touch.


Promised to keep in touch.


Fortunately, about 3 people still occasionally talk to me.  The others, in reality I am sure are just continuing to deal with their issues, and don't have ill intentions of trying to hurt me, or ignore  my simple requests of hello.  I am quite vain if I think they sit around and think about how they could hurt me by not responding to me, or ignoring me.  Really...it is not all about me, I must remind myself.  It's OK really.


I miss them.  I miss that time.  I miss being connected.


I pray they all do well.  I pray they all face their demons, recover, and then maybe think of me now and again.  


I do not handle the feeling well of being forgotten about, not cared about, erased, lied to, whatever.
Like I said...It's MY Crazy.....


But this song.....is mine:



And I am again putting on my armour of protection to allow nobody that close to me.  It hurts too much afterwards.

Welcome Home Alena!

Welcome home Alena...We all missed you. Girl Scout Camp (with horses) Rocked, didn't it!!!

Scars...

Sometimes I am completely amazed when a song finds ME.  The song below...found me.


As some of you may know by now, I am going through some terrible times, mentally.  And have been on and off since I was very young.


Unfortunately, my way of dealing with pain/stress/anxiety/out of controlness....is to harm myself....to give me real pain as opposed to internal pain. It only lasts for a few moments...but I am forever scarred from it.


And I  have to hide all my scars, because it shows how crazy I really am.  I am what you could call a "self harmer".  I call it "mother fucking crazy".


But it isn't to kill myself....just to numb the awful inside pain.  So, mom...if and when you see my scars, you don't have to be scared...be glad that I have an outlet.


See....mother fucking crazy.


Boy, you are all learning so much about me...mental health...sexual abuse...eating disorders....recovery.


And I am slowly becoming less ashamed of me.