New Year Schmew Year...

In a few days, a new year starts.  A new year.  When you think about it, what's the big deal?  It is just time continuing on from the previous day/month/year.  It is not like you take a step over a crack and BOOM, you are in a new year.  Time is time is time.

People set goals, or "resolutions" at the beginning of each year.  Usually always the same...lose weight, eat healthier, be nicer, etc. etc.  Why does January make it "normal" to set these sort of goals.  Couldn't these resolutions be started at any time?  I think so.

With that being said, I too am making some promises to myself starting TODAY.  Not in a few days from now.  Why wait?  I ask myself....

I am tired of living the way I have been living.  I can't explain it to those who don't live it, but my eating disorder consumes me.  And I am tired of it.  I am making a promise to myself to 100% actively try to recover.  Like....really recover.  I want to be thin...but I also want to be normal.  And I want to feel love and be able to love again.  I miss having my brain think of other things other than calories, pounds, water weight, pant size, wrist size, leg size......I'M TIRED OF IT.  I am more than this.  I AM ENOUGH how I am.

God made me.  God loves me.  He knows the plans for me.

So, as January 1 approaches, I will be ahead of all those waiting until the clock strikes midnight to begin their journey into new resolutions.  Catch me if you can!

I'm Roughly Six Feet Tall. . .

On September 17th of this year, I went into residential treatment for my eating disorder.  While that saved my life, it reeked havoc on my children's lives.  Especially my oldest two.  It was beyond difficult trying to heal myself, while I knew my children were suffering so terribly.  They went through, and are still going through some EXTREMELY difficult things.  Suicide was threatened.  Self harm was a huge worry.  It was a nightmare for a mother to try and deal with this while not being able to be near her children.  It was/is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with as a mother.  My poor babies suffer because of my mental illness.

Fortunately I have great friends who helped immediately when needed.  I have a great school who helped immediately when needed.  I have insurance which helped me get them counseling immediately.  I am blessed in many ways, but still feel guilt over having them suffer due to my problems.

But a good thing happened the other day.  My daughter (and she does not want to be identified) told me to listen to a song.  She knows that music is my lifeline to sanity I guess.  However, I never imagined the song she wanted me to hear would impact me so strongly.  I listened to it.  And then she said to me, (paraphrasing here) "See, it doesn't matter what size we are, or what we look like...."

I love you daughter.

You are looking so FAT!

Welcome to my disordered thinking.  You are now in the mind of a person with an eating disorder.  Enjoy the journey...

When somebody says to me, "You look great!", or "You are looking so good!"...while I know and appreciate the nice words, my brain immediately turns those words over to ED (Eating Disorder) and I hear something completely different.  See, when you say those words to me, or anybody who is suffering with disordered thoughts from an eating disorder, what is heard is this:

You are looking like you have gained some weight!!

Now, I realize I am putting myself out there, in the sense that this sounds so fucking stupid to the average person.  But just take this as sort of a look into the soul of an eating disorder.  My ED hates me, and will do anything and everything to make me feel terrible.  

Having said all that....

If you think I look good, continue to tell me.  :)  I need practice hearing it.

Why do the Birds go on Singing?

Nobody will ever understand.  Not even the professionals.  It's just the nature of the beast, I guess.

My Video 11/27/12 at OneTrueMedia.com

This video reminds me of the time where I LOVED being a mother...and I want to return to that place.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

My Eating Disorder...

When I reflect on my eating disorder, and when it began, this is where I can first remember having feelings of being inadequate:

I remember wanting legs like her.  I remember sitting in the movie theater and wishing I had her little body.  

So.....I've had this disease and its brain disordered thinking since being very young.  

That might be why it is so hard to overcome it.  I've had it most my life.

Why am I here?

Have you ever wondered what the meaning of life was?

Well, I have wondered what the meaning of MY life is.  

I actually have a great life.  I feel I always have.  I am blessed with great family.  I have an abundant support system from school life and friends and family.  My husband loves me and lets me do what I know is right for me.  I have five deliciously lovely children.  I have learned that being a good and kind person is a quality I am proud of.  I may not have much money, but I don't care, because I know the Lord always provides.  

My life, in generalities, is fantastic. 

But this past year has been challenging.  A year ago this Thanksgiving, I started on a journey that I never saw coming.  
*Thousands of dollars in therapy.
*Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
*Two leave of absences from work.
*Long stays in treatment for my eating disorder.
*Losing over 100 pounds, 70 of them in the first 3 months. 
*Self harm like crazy. 
*Tube feedings.
*Laxative abuse.
*Purging every morsel of food that would enter my body. 

and on and on. 

My life took a serious change a year ago.  

But despite the painful and anxiety ridden return to life, I have discovered the love and goodness of people....friends, family and strangers.  I have had had friends drive my daughter to school for me.  I have had friends bring my family dinner.  I have had friends let my kids spend time at their houses, and drive them to and from practices and soccer games.  I have had family take my children for weekends.  All of them, all weekend.  I have had a stranger help us in a financial way.  I have had a great friends come and visit me at the treatment center house...one of them I will call my forever sister/momma boo boo.  ;)  

All of this with NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 

And above all...I have had COUNTLESS prayers said for myself and my family.  

It is amazing to see greatness come from awfulness.  

I take this journey, as painful and scary and doom-filled as it is, knowing that it is all God's plan.  To show me the greatness of others, and to show others how awesome it feels to be great to others.  

Now....if only I could kick my disease in the ass and move on with life.....

....hmmmm.....I ask for continued prayers.  :)

Thank you all.  Family.  Friends.  Strangers.