Terrible Sadness and Strange Calmness

Today was the day I've been praying would never happen.  Today is the day that my great friend Mindy's baby died.  He was born way too early....a year ago...and he has made Mercy Hospital his home ever since.  But he was a fighter.  He was a cutie pie.  He was strong and defiant and he had his own opinions and definitely made his choices known. He was important and loved by so so many.  


His mother, my friend, was faithful.  She knew that God had a plan for him.  The doctors only had ideas.  And she was ALWAYS right.  She taught me so much about true faith, that I am a changed person because of her.  She has also been my sister in prayer throughout my own trials lately.  We have been a prayerful, loving, together team. She didn't judge me.  I just loved and prayed and thanked God for her.  


But today finally came.  Even though we all hoped it never would.  It came.  And my heart has true, physical pain over it.  For Mindy. As far as for Jesaiah, I am a tad jealous.  He is now being  held in the arms of Jesus.  Something I dream about daily.  He has no more tubes, and can breath on his own, and can move around.....finally.  Finally. 


But Mindy...she has lost something that nothing here has more worth on earth. Her baby.  Nobody can even begin to imagine what this must be like, unless you've lived through it.  Which, fortunately, I have not.  Not personally anyway.  This is not the first baby of a friend to have died...so maybe that makes my emotion that much more stabbingly painful....but my heart is literally breaking for Mindy.  


Mindy came over to my house a week or so ago for a tattoo party.  She got this tattoo.  

A cross with a pink rose for her daughter and a blue rose for Jesaiah.  She is going to come back again, and get their names tattooed on there as well.  I really look forward to that. 


I was off work today, and decided to take the kids to Tower Grove Park.  (yay me for actually doing something!!).  It was such a beautiful day.  I relaxed in my chair and worked on a project while my kids all behaved so wonderfully.  They played at the parks, ran in the fields, played with friends we knew and didn't know, played in the water.....and basically, just enjoyed the day.  


But my heart was heavy.  And tears would swell up my eyes.  For Mindy.  But then, as it became close to time to leave, God spoke to me.  He does this sometimes whether you believe me or not.  What I heard him say was (Paraphrased here......) "Look at this beautiful day.  Life goes on, Chris.  Jesaiah is here with me.  You will be too, someday, I promise.  But life on earth goes on...... let it."  


And I became zombified, for lack of a better word, for a minute while I thought about that.  But it's true.  Jesaiah had a HUGE impact on so many of us down here.  Mindy made a huge impact on so many of us down here.  A purpose was served.  It's not fair or right in earth terms.... but "it is what it is".  


God's plan.  His plan.  It was always his plan.  His plan always is the only plan.  


So, I will share some of the life that went on here today.  Even though a few miles away, sadness and tears were obviously the main emotion.  

And that was our day.  


But I also made this photo of big sis Anadyah holding her baby brother for the FIRST time ever the other day.  

So, yes....life does go on.  But it will never be the same. 

A Family Tradition...

The song "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams, Jr. has some very specific feelings attached to it for me.  This may be hard to explain, and most people may not understand...but I will try my best to explain.


When I was little, or young I should say...or both....  my dad was in a band.  Bands, actually.  If you know anything about musicians, bands never stay together long...so he was in several, or a few, I'm not sure.  Anyway, he was a country music bass player.  A good one too.  I loved nothing more than listening to him play music.  I loved nothing more than that special feeling I would get when I would be allowed to go with him to listen to him practice, or go to gigs with him.  I loved it.


One day, I found a hand written note by my dad that I thought was his sort of "diary" entry.  Later, I found out that it was really just lyrics to the song Family Tradition.  I remember feeling all sad thinking my dad felt bad about "Getting stoned" and drinking and smoking.  I remember where I was when I read it.  I remember the feeling.  Strange, huh.  I was very relieved when I realized it was just song lyrics.  :)


When I would later hear him play and sing this song at places, I remember feeling happiness and strangely enough, relief.  Ha!  Like I said, I was little.  Or young.  Or both.


I still love this song.  But it still gives my tummy a weird guilty, sad, happy, relieved feeling.


Now...youtube will not allow any of Hank's videos be used on blogger...so this is close enough. :)

Remember When...

I hesitate to put this video out here, because at the end of it, is fat old me.  And when I see that, I want to run out the back door and not stop running.  But....I am telling myself that I do not look like that anymore...at least I hope not.


But I came across this video and it reminded me of a few nice things.
1:  I used to be happy.
2:  I used to have FUN with my kids.
3:  I used to not care too too much about being seen on camera, obviously.
4:  I used to be a better mom than I have been in months...if not years.


So, I will share this video, as proof that that I used to be a fun loving, dancing, laughing, got it together for my kids kind of mom.


Maybe one day, I will again.

Remember Me?

Today was an ordinary "mom day off".  It started with a trip to the orthodontist for two children.  We were there for nearly 2 hours.

Fun, let me tell you.

Then, we went to the dollar store.

Then, I decided to take some little tokens of my love to my McCallum Place friends.  The kids got some Yo My Goodness, which they loved.  And to my happy surprise, my old friends just so happened to be outside while we were there.  So I got to visit with people who might actually care about me.  It was nice.

After they went back inside...to treatment, where I wish I still was....... I decided to let the kids "live on the dangerous side of life"....  and I took this picture.

I love it.

Just a song...

The Momma Tree

It's true.  The old saying that once you get ONE tattoo, you will have a burning desire to get more and more.  It is kind of like childbirth if you think about it.  When you are actually getting a tattoo, or having a baby, you swear you will NEVER do this again...because it hurts!!!  But.....


I got my 3rd tattoo last night.  And I love it. 


I actually had a very impromptu "Tattoo party", and invited any of my friends who wanted to get a tattoo also.  Andy, a long time freaky friend, is a very talented tattoo artist, and he came to my house...and I had my first ever "get together" of any kind....OF ANY KIND.....  Thanks to my husband, who got the house ready, got the food and drinks, and talked Andy into coming over just for me....  


And I laughed.  And I forgot, if only for a few hours, about the hell that swells inside my soul.  


So....I got this tattoo....

It is what I call my "Momma tree".  To me, it looks like a momma tree holding her arms out saying, "Come home babies.....".  And there are five birds flying to the tree.  Remember...I have five babies of my own.  :)  


I love it.  It means something to me.  To my heart, is says that I am here kids.  Even if right now I am not all visible, or available.  My arms are always open.  And you are ALWAYS allowed to fly home to me. 


I love all of you. 


And I love my new tattoo.....and yes, it f'n hurt like hell.  


and yes....I'll probably get another one.  I'm turning into an old lady rebel freak I guess.