Life of a mother with Agoraphobia...

I am a mother of five children.  I do the best I can, but I am a substandard mother.  I suffer from many things, one of them being agoraphobia.  Yes...I have a stupid fear of leaving the house.  So, my children get bored easy.  Let me give you an example of our day.

I don't sleep well.  So I am usually up way before them.  Thank God.  Some quiet time to myself.  I have my oatmeal, diet pepsi and coffee, USUALLY to myself.  Unless, one or two of the kids migrated to the couches in the middle of the night...then they may wake up, and ruin my "me time".

Eventually they wake up. I must feed them.  Cereal or toast.  Never good enough for ANY of them.  "WHY CAN'T WE HAVE GOOD BREAKFASTS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THIS WORLD!!!"  Same old complaint, every day.  Same answer every day...."Be happy you have food!".

Almost immediately we start with the, "What are we doing today".  My usual answer is "Cleaning".  This is never appreciated.  I pray that somebody calls and offers to take one or more of them to play at their house, so I don't have to listen to them whine all day long.

My kids are bored.  I have no desire to take them anywhere anymore.  I hope this changes soon....but for now, I don't want to leave the house.

As the day progresses, so does the chaos.  My oldest hates me, and starts with the attitude of how awful I am, and how she does not care about anything I say or do.  To  her, I suck.  I foresee this getting worse before it gets better.  And that sucks.  She is depressed, and I can't help her.

My second oldest begs to have somebody come over.  I am never in the mood for that.  That would involve me being "on" and entertaining-ish.  I don't want to be "on".  I want to hang out in my own sick solitary world.  She gets mad and pouts all day long.

My third oldest either plays nicely,  hangs on me, runs around like a mad woman with the other two little ones or cries LOUDLY that she has no friends to go over and visit.  She is my biggest fit thrower.  And it drives me nuts.

My forth child is VERY bored.  He wants to ride his bike in the house.  He wants me to take him to Target.  He wants to go to a friends house.  He wants to have a sleepover.  He wants to go ANYWHERE.  He is bored out of his mind.  So, mainly, he runs around like a mad man and has his two youngest sisters chase him.  LOUDLY.  Around the table, through the kitchen, onto my bed, up and down the stairs...and so on.  Then it usually turns into a wrestling match...which usually always turns into somebody getting hurt, and then somebody coming "close to dying".  This goes on all day. Loudly.  And my nerves go into high gear.

My fifth child is stubborn and has the attitude of my oldest. Snot. But a cute snot.

Meanwhile, I try to keep calm and stay focused in my own mind.  It is hard. I have a lot going on myself, and  if only I could take them to the park to run off some steam, that would be great.  But I am trapped in my house.  I don't want to leave.  I don't even like talking on the phone.  Thank God for texting.  Now, if only my mother texted.  I struggle with eating, with having major anxiety and depression.

See, my children suffer because of my lack of lots of things.  I hope someday I change.  I am working on it.  They deserve better.  They are wonderful kids just looking for things to do.  .

New Year Schmew Year...

In a few days, a new year starts.  A new year.  When you think about it, what's the big deal?  It is just time continuing on from the previous day/month/year.  It is not like you take a step over a crack and BOOM, you are in a new year.  Time is time is time.

People set goals, or "resolutions" at the beginning of each year.  Usually always the same...lose weight, eat healthier, be nicer, etc. etc.  Why does January make it "normal" to set these sort of goals.  Couldn't these resolutions be started at any time?  I think so.

With that being said, I too am making some promises to myself starting TODAY.  Not in a few days from now.  Why wait?  I ask myself....

I am tired of living the way I have been living.  I can't explain it to those who don't live it, but my eating disorder consumes me.  And I am tired of it.  I am making a promise to myself to 100% actively try to recover.  Like....really recover.  I want to be thin...but I also want to be normal.  And I want to feel love and be able to love again.  I miss having my brain think of other things other than calories, pounds, water weight, pant size, wrist size, leg size......I'M TIRED OF IT.  I am more than this.  I AM ENOUGH how I am.

God made me.  God loves me.  He knows the plans for me.

So, as January 1 approaches, I will be ahead of all those waiting until the clock strikes midnight to begin their journey into new resolutions.  Catch me if you can!

I'm Roughly Six Feet Tall. . .

On September 17th of this year, I went into residential treatment for my eating disorder.  While that saved my life, it reeked havoc on my children's lives.  Especially my oldest two.  It was beyond difficult trying to heal myself, while I knew my children were suffering so terribly.  They went through, and are still going through some EXTREMELY difficult things.  Suicide was threatened.  Self harm was a huge worry.  It was a nightmare for a mother to try and deal with this while not being able to be near her children.  It was/is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with as a mother.  My poor babies suffer because of my mental illness.

Fortunately I have great friends who helped immediately when needed.  I have a great school who helped immediately when needed.  I have insurance which helped me get them counseling immediately.  I am blessed in many ways, but still feel guilt over having them suffer due to my problems.

But a good thing happened the other day.  My daughter (and she does not want to be identified) told me to listen to a song.  She knows that music is my lifeline to sanity I guess.  However, I never imagined the song she wanted me to hear would impact me so strongly.  I listened to it.  And then she said to me, (paraphrasing here) "See, it doesn't matter what size we are, or what we look like...."

I love you daughter.

You are looking so FAT!

Welcome to my disordered thinking.  You are now in the mind of a person with an eating disorder.  Enjoy the journey...

When somebody says to me, "You look great!", or "You are looking so good!"...while I know and appreciate the nice words, my brain immediately turns those words over to ED (Eating Disorder) and I hear something completely different.  See, when you say those words to me, or anybody who is suffering with disordered thoughts from an eating disorder, what is heard is this:

You are looking like you have gained some weight!!

Now, I realize I am putting myself out there, in the sense that this sounds so fucking stupid to the average person.  But just take this as sort of a look into the soul of an eating disorder.  My ED hates me, and will do anything and everything to make me feel terrible.  

Having said all that....

If you think I look good, continue to tell me.  :)  I need practice hearing it.

Why do the Birds go on Singing?

Nobody will ever understand.  Not even the professionals.  It's just the nature of the beast, I guess.

My Video 11/27/12 at OneTrueMedia.com

This video reminds me of the time where I LOVED being a mother...and I want to return to that place.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

My Eating Disorder...

When I reflect on my eating disorder, and when it began, this is where I can first remember having feelings of being inadequate:

I remember wanting legs like her.  I remember sitting in the movie theater and wishing I had her little body.  

So.....I've had this disease and its brain disordered thinking since being very young.  

That might be why it is so hard to overcome it.  I've had it most my life.